Talent = "Nothing"; Talent + Hard work = "maybe something"; Talent + Hard work + A kiss in the ass = "'you've have the greatest talent in the world' certification from your boss, a separate cabin for you, an office car to pick up and drop you, annual perks including 1 month vacation allowance, a salary increase of 125% over the course of 1 year so that nobody is suspicious, plus........"

This post is going to be disgusting. So, for those of you there, who can't stand the sight of shit or piss, a word of caution before you go ahead with this post. If you do go ahead, never say you were never warned of the after effects. 

There is a popular saying in Tamil, 
"உப்பு நிறையப் போட்டு சாப்டா சொரன ஜாஸ்தியா தான் இருக்கும்".
For all the non-Tamil speaking crowd, it says, "if you have too much salt in your food, your emotions and ego are definitely going to be high. And today is the first day that I asked my mom in all 25 years of life, on why she had to to use all the salt that she has used till today in cooking food. 

Friends and socialites kiss each other on the cheek. And if the 2 friends are guys, and you go ahead to kiss him, the first reaction to bounce back on you is "yeah right! Kiss My Ass!" unless the other is gay. I know people who use abbreviations to denote it saying, "KMA!" If you were to betray a friend and he has to retaliate, the first expression should be "KMA!" So from this expression, you should have understood that for a man, it is the worst respect a man can get. You say "Fuck you!" and he will not turn back. Call him "KMA" and he'll do any crazy thing to get you killed by making you kiss his ass. For the purposes of this blogpost, I'm going to use the British way of calling it, "Arse". Ass sounds too soft to explain the disgust that I feel today.

As any young professional, beyond the tortures of quarter life crisis, financial crisis, managing home crisis, girlfriend crisis, marriage commitment crisis, the worst that stands on top of the list is to bend down and kiss a boss's arse. And for a young guy with too much of salt in his diet, it is the worst nightmare. 
    
Cartoon courtesy: SAN's Cartoons
As any young professional in his early twenties trying to make an impression in this world with work and talent, you swing on a ride without knowing the disgusting side of it. Every guy gets into a great organization to get the best recognition in the industry, We work hard, find ways to intelligently portray things from different perspectives, give time to learn things, implement things in a timely manner and finally, get the job done. We don't mind the financial part if we were to be in a renowned organization since it is the best learning exposure for any young professional. 

But then there comes the reality in its ugliest form. A man in his late 40s, bald, face swollen like a bunch of swollen potatoes due to excessive drunkard behavior, a sluggish walk with a belly trying to sway into an arrhythmic beat, a tone with a deep bass trying to sound like a guy in constipation. He dresses sloppy and wants you to be neat in every form with no casuals on weekends. He expects you to be on time while he pushes his belly into a swinging dance and enters late after last night's hangover. He expects you to shave your beard when he has grumpy hair sticking out of his shirt collar. You will not be able to see his neck, but he would want you to wear a tie to office on a 42 degree Celsius day. You might give him a smarter way to work, but he'll rape you into working in his older slower and grudgier ways while questioning what you would know about management and principles of Tai chi mixed with Sun Tzu. All I know as any young professional would know is to get the job done! Nope, I don't know about Sun Tzu or principles of Tai chi, but yes, I know to get a job done in the least time consuming manner. Don't worry my dear young friends, IT WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED.  Bosses in this age like to feed their egos like the feeding frenzy game and if you were to look in the eye and speak, they will shout at you for looking in the eye, lest alone accept an efficient way to work. They have been treated the same in their young ages, and it is their time for revenge. You are the under-dog! The worst is yet to come. As the dog you are, they want you to lick and kiss their arse!

I've known of arse-kissing sessions. Lovers do it, with kissing and biting a plump ass. For most guys, it is somehow a turn-on, when they do it on a woman. If not, you will not have atleast half the porn sites in the world. Even if you were to get into such an erotic session with your girlfriend, I atleast think you will make sure it is all clean and well firmed up. You get into it with all the cleanliness and erotic thinking. In other words, it is called preparation. I'm not gay and i don't want to talk about the 25% porn sites in the world that deals in this topic. But what about the one you can't prepare for? What about the ones that are real ugly! and I mean it. A man cannot humiliate another man worse. Imagine a saggy 50 year old man's arse which is not even cleansed properly owing to his hand not reaching it with the belly obstructing him from bending. A stench that will make you puke for a hundred years of booze. And you gotta kiss this arse in order to move ahead. This is the reality of every young professional today. How does one prepare for this?
I've observed that the tradition continues till the end of your professional life. How did I observe? Listen well,... that boss is kissing the arse of his boss, and if he's the final boss in the line, he kisses the arse of investors, and thus the never ending arse kissing line. It is like ZhuangZi's Butterfly Dream where a guy kisses somebody's arse who kisses somebody else's arse who kisses somebody's arse who kisses sombody else's arse, and you are at the end of the line. Your peers and colleague at work ask you to do it. Your cross functional bosses force you to do it. Your dad says it is part of the game. Your friends say they feel disgusting but they have already done it. Old men sit in isolation cursing all those bastards they kissed in their lives. And this again is like the ZhuangZi's Butterfly dream with cursing. Most guys of my age have come to accept of feeding egos. We all do and the last lesson in this culture to be learnt is kissing a grumpy arse. This is that sickest feeling I and most professionals have. 

There are exceptions though, where certain individuals have been brought up in this fashion with no salt in their diet. I've known professionals who are ready to lick an arse's arse to move ahead. A typical example is given below: 

Boss:
I say 1+1 = 167.2565654605456136640164
Employee without salt in diet: 
Very correct sir! You are marvelous and your ingeniousness is something that should have been recognized by NASA long before
Boss to employee without salt in diet: 
Ha! I know! You are very right! Somehow NASA had approached me before in 19... I guess it was 1975... no, 1987... no, 1999 I think. But I couldn't opt out of this place due to family commitments and this company wanted me badly. This company was brought up from its roots because of my inputs. Sad, NASA missed out on a genius... 
Employee with salt in diet: 
(thinking to himself: 'Ingeniusness my arse! What has he graduated in? A degree for being dumb at work?', but continues the conversation in a polite way)
Sir, I think... we need to re-evaluate the answers before proceeding with the project.
Boss to employee with salt in his diet: 
You! You think? When did that happen? In what capacity do you come to me with this advice?
Employee with salt in his diet:
(thinking to himself: 'When did I start thinking? Did God even place a brain in your head? Or was it interchanged with a large intestine? In what capacity? B.Sc, M.Sc, M.Phil, with an ongoing PhD in statistical weather prediction, but most of all, first grade in school. Do you know the word 'school'?') 
Sir... it is just a suggestion. I think you need to re-evaluate it before proceeding a project on this assumption. 
Boss(angrily)
You call my statement an assumption?? What on earth do you know about market and its dynamics? 
Employee with salt in his diet: 
(thinks to himself: Market and dynamics for the question 1+1=2?)
Employee without salt in diet:
Sir! Please don't lose your cool sir. I believe in the statement as a reverend would to the Bible. I think he just lacks experience sir! Such an imbecile attitude. 
Employee with salt in his diet: 
(thinks to himself: 'What the FUCK?')     
Boss:
I know! I can't take this behavior at any cost! I'll report you to the management and make sure you are screwed!
Employee without salt in his diet:
Sir! please keep your cool sir. He is just inexperienced and thinks he can talk to a genius like you over a table of hot coffee. Pardon his imbecile behavior.
Employee with salt in his diet: 
(thinks to himself: 'Nice screwing me dude! I'll see you in hell with the Devil on my side!')
Boss: 
How dare he! I'm sending the email right away to the HR and other heads to issue you a warning letter. And this is going to be your last warning! 
Employee with salt in his diet:
(thinks to himself: 'What the fuck is wrong with these goat-heads! Warning my arse! Fuck it! One day, I'm gonna make sure I somehow make these two to stick their heads into each other's arses!')
Sir! I'm really sorry for offending you. I never meant that. Its just that... 
Boss (interrupting):
Get out of my room before I change my mind to sack you. GET OUT!

Now... I'm supposed to kiss this guy's arse? WTF? My peers say that I've a bright future in my current organization. All I have to do is kiss this goat-head's arse? How do I even think about preparation? It is like the testament to know that the Devil exists. 

As I was pondering on what I'm gonna do and wrote this post, my mom called me from the kitchen and asked me to add some salt to a pickle. God! Are you watching? THE DEVIL DOES EXIST! :)

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