January 27th, 2010 - A great day of celebrations and a pathetic day for my life!
I turned 25 this year (unbelievably!!!) and kept crying like Joey of friends "Why me God?" as I entered the 26th year.
Our generation of youngsters have learnt to evade reality like God's business and have always set on a path of illusions. Illusions from movies ranging from Rajini Kanth to Gautham Menon to Karan Johar and in music from Ilayaraja to Harris Jayaraj to A.R. Rahman to Ronan Keating. We've gotten so engrossed with the thoughts of idealism, love, money, sex and being rich that our version of reality slumps far below the 'real' reality.
What are our dreams today?
"Get rich and famous through sheer hard work and get respect from everyone in this world.
Move to a bigger house and create the perfect family.
Fall in love with the perfect woman who'll make our hearts flutter, make her our goal for life and win her heart"
Frankly, it does look like a Rajini Kanth's film with all the white fairies running in the background!
But what is it that is really happening? Well... for a start, reality!
Reality hits real hard on the face which usually feels like a shitload of bullshit hitting hard on the face with all the stench. And when you reach 25, most myths are broken, we realize that Rajini Kanth is nothing but a mythological hero who was able to do the impossible, like becoming a zillionaire in the duration of an inspirational song. Myths about the dream job is broken into a fucking cubicle. Myths about the dream girl is broken into the perfect movie for masturbation!
With probably 500 bucks in my pocket, I keep thinking all the bullshit that was given to me since the time I began understanding what words meant. All the stories right from our mythology to movies are all the same bullshit presented in different forms to cater to a timely audience. And from then on, the brain is conditioned to a dream made of bullshit! Yet, we keep clinging on to this bullshit dream as reality and set on an expedition to achieve this bullshit.
A point of realization comes with points of extreme failures while executing the bullshit dream. Anybody, here wanting to say that this is pure negativity or cowardliness for not attempting again can and will have their point of realization when shit hits harder on them. This is the point where you get to realize reality as it is. The reality of this world is usually shitty, messy and completely entangled that you cannot even try touching it to remove all the knots. Its plainly a nylon web soaked in shit. We just gotta see and accept it as it is. Never ever try to improve reality, because it is useless and you're bound to get your hands dirty for nothing.
We can put a label on it though, calling it names like 'Quarter Life Crisis', '25 year bullshit', 'reality fucking-shit' and so on. But reality remains the same. I'm a regular guy brought up in this environment where music, movies and computer games played a role in shaping all the bullshit that I'm today. I had always said that I'm going to pursue whatever my heart says! But it took some deep shit to understand that the heart never thought! it was all in the brain. Right from the start of my career to love pursuits, I kept thinking all that I could be... and realized all that was complete bullshit. If this were a movie, the dialogue would have been 'I kept thinking all that I could be...and all that I wasn't."
Just when I thought I figured where I wanted to be in my career, I was placed inside a fucking cubicle with men over 40 yelling over their groin at me. All the glassy looks of an office that we get in job advertisements reduced to stenching wood near the restroom. All my images of a super computer given to me reduced to a fucking celeron. I have to wait 10 minutes every time when I type the word 'Hello' for the words to appear on screen. Offices where bosses came late when I was on time and bosses came early when I was late. A mug of splashing coffee was reduced to a small plasticide disaster! Job satisfaction was a taboo word at offices where elder peers threatened that I would be in deep shit looking for job satisfaction. Just when I dreamt of 10 people working under me, there were 10 'sub'-bosses blasting innumerable questions at me which never was relevant to anything, even to the job I was doing!
Just when I thought I figured the perfect girl for my life, I got what I usually got... bullshit! I never understood calculus during my school years, but I'm planning to give it a shot now though. I guess I'll be able to understand calculus better than what runs on a woman's mind and their unimaginably shitty logic. It was always a cat on the wall game, where the girl likes me, but never wants me. Trust me, I never understood the logic behind it. And every time it felt like giving something true and honest to a wall. The feeling is like wasting a deliciously decorated chocolate truffle cake by smashing it on the wall! In the cake's case atleast, we can try licking the cream off the wall, but in the case of the woman, we are just kept watching with all the rage over the wasted goodness. No,... guess what? I'm gonna put that example better. Can you imagine a deliciously decorated chocolate truffle cake flushed down a toilet commode? the beauty of it is that nobody will know the difference whether it was cake or shit! Its that same feeling I get. It was a great cake, but now nobody knows whether it was shit or the cake!
With all these things in mind for a 25 year old, the future looks like a 'white hazy wall that extends beyond infinity. I was visualizing this for some time thinking of what can be done to improve my current status... and then I heard those golden words! Somebody at office out of frustration with something shouted those golden words... "Fuck it!!! What's next?!" And it struck me! It struck me like a zillion volts! I looked at the white infinite wall and yelled "Fuck it!!! What's next?!" and guess what? the wall disappeared! And it disappeared because it didn't mean anything to me then on.
It gave me a rebirth. A rebirth from bullshit to reality. When things just go wrong and out of control, shout these words and you'll feel the bliss of reality coming deep into you. It is like this movie 'Yes Man' where everybody shouts "YES". In this case though, we are all 'Fuck Man' and we need to shout 'FUCK'! Love or money doesn't happen just like that... it is all shit that happens just like that! When you come to this point of realization, you understand that life is not made of Matrix codes but everybody's shit and that the best way to survive and make progress in this fucking world is to dodge shit whenever possible!
So... Fuck it!!! What's next?!





